Love and relationships have always been a dance of compromise, never perfected! One time you think you’ve got the footwork all figured out, the twists and turns all factored in, and then the next, you are tumbling and colliding with neighboring dancers, stepping on your partner’s toes and eventually taking a rest. Or, as it so happens every now and then, you try a new dancing partner on the side, hoping to get what seems to be lacking in your dance routine.
And while the sampling of other partners might be fulfilling and outright enjoyable in the moment, the rule of this particular dance—the love dance—demands loyalty. Thus, a “partner-sampler” is deemed a cheater. That said, why do people cheat in their relationships? Why, so often these days, do people in seemingly healthy and functioning relationships cheat and sample outside their dance routine? Dear reader, sit tight as we try to discern the psychology behind why people cheat in relationships.
1. The Need for Emotional Fulfillment
Relationships are basically emotional intimacy given a name, but when one partner feels unheard, unseen, or unappreciated, they often seek validation elsewhere. Many individuals cheat not because they no longer love their partner but because they crave the emotional support they believe is missing. And it could be anything from a simple lack of deep conversations, affection, or understanding that pushes a person toward someone who provides what they need.
2. The Adrenaline of Novelty and Excitement
Truth of the matter is that we humans are wired for excitement. The rush of new love, the adrenaline of secrecy, and the thrill of pursuing the unknown can be intoxicating and thus lead some people to cheat not because they are unhappy but because they enjoy the “spark” that comes with a fresh romantic encounter. The familiarity of long-term relationships can sometimes make excitement feel scarce, making the idea of an affair dangerously appealing–and quite frankly, long relationships do tend to get boring sometimes.
3. Unmet Sexual Needs
While emotional intimacy is the soul of a relationship, physical intimacy also contributes greatly in keeping relationships alive. When sexual desires go unmet due to mismatched libidos, routine sex, or a lack of physical connection, some people look for fulfillment elsewhere…and with applications like Tinder, it is not entirely hard to get sexual variety today. It may not necessarily be a lack of love, but rather a hunger for something their current relationship isn’t providing—be it passion, variety, or simply feeling desired.
4. Revenge and Retaliation
Not all infidelities stem from dissatisfaction—some arise from anger and the need for vengeance. When a partner feels wronged, whether through neglect, emotional pain, or even past infidelity, they may cheat as a way of “getting even.” For those who have partners prone to acting out of spite, cheating becomes less about attraction to someone else and more about making a statement to the primary partner.
5. Low Commitment Levels
Not all relationships begin with a strong foundation of commitment. Some people enter relationships out of convenience, pressure, or even loneliness, and thus if there was never a deep emotional investment to begin with, it becomes easier to stray when temptation arises. A person who never truly envisioned a long-term future with their partner might not feel as guilty about stepping outside the relationship.
6. Situational Infidelity
Sometimes, cheating is not planned—it happens because of circumstances. Perhaps someone had a little too much to drink, found themselves in a tempting situation, or was emotionally vulnerable at a given moment. Unlike premeditated cheating, situational infidelity often comes on the fly, from opportunity rather than intention. And while it never comes intentionally, I find that a partner would be diligent to avoid creating opportunities for infidelity.
7. Power, Ego, and Self-Esteem Boost
There is an undeniable connection between power and infidelity. People in influential positions—CEOs, politicians, celebrities—are often exposed to more opportunities and might develop a sense of invincibility. Additionally, some people cheat to boost their self-esteem, seeking reassurance that they are still desirable, attractive, and capable of seduction. Of course, these come at the cost of the relationship. – Lovers often cheat on their partners for this one key reason.
8. Societal and Cultural Influences
Some cultures and societies are more permissive when it comes to infidelity. Social norms, peer influence, and media portrayals of cheating as glamorous or commonplace can shape one’s attitudes toward it. In some circles, stepping outside a relationship isn’t seen as betrayal but as an unspoken, acceptable practice, Tokyo for instance, a partner enlisting the services of a sex worker is acceptable and not seen as cheating on the premise that said partner is partaking in a business transaction with no emotional attachment.
9. Attachment Issues and Fear of Intimacy
People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle with emotional closeness. Those with avoidant tendencies might cheat as a subconscious way of keeping distance in a relationship, while those with anxious attachments may cheat out of insecurity and fear of abandonment. In both cases, cheating becomes a defense mechanism rather than a calculated betrayal.
10. The Perception That “Everyone Does It”
Let’s face it—cheating stories are everywhere. Celebrities, friends, colleagues, and even movies depict infidelity as a common occurrence. Some people cheat simply because they believe monogamy is outdated or because they think their partner is likely to do the same. So when one sees cheating as inevitable, resisting the temptation seems pointless and pretty much done as a favor to the partner.
Moral of the narrative? Cheating isn’t always about the lack of love but rather a long and complex list of “either-this-or-that.” It’s complicated, where some cheat for pleasure, others do it out of pain. Some seek excitement, and others seek connection.
Of course, understanding why people cheat doesn’t justify the act, but it does shed light on the emotional and psychological gaps that exist in relationships. Perhaps, instead of fearing infidelity, the real focus should be on trying to build deeper and more fulfilling connections—ones that make stepping outside the dance routine an unnecessary temptation.
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