How I Tried Online Dating and Learned Nothing About Love
When it comes to the world of online dating apps, the likes of Tinder and whatnot, they say love is just a swipe away. And indeed, you see a profile you like, make the swipe, and hope for a spark of long-sought-after love. What they don’t tell you, however, is that that swipe could lead to a catfish, a ghost, or someone who thinks “Netflix and chill” is a valid first-date plan…talk about an “I’m on a mission” kind of vibe, lol.
Well, what can I say, welcome to the world of online dating—where love is supposedly one click away, but more often than not, so is disappointment.
Like many hopefuls (or victims) before me, one signs up for online dating with a mix of curiosity, skepticism, and a touch of desperation, because quite frankly the only time people sign up for dating apps is when they have failed to find love the normal physical way. It’s not that they don’t believe in love, but rather not believe in meeting someone who wouldn’t make them cringe within five minutes of conversation. But then again, it’s the digital age, if people could order groceries online with one tap, why not love and romance?
Creating a profile is the first challenge of all social media–as in, how do you sum up your entire personality in a bio that won’t make you look unhinged and outright crazy or desperate? I tried the classic “lover of books, food, and deep conversations,” once, only to realize that everyone was a lover of books, food, and deep conversations. Should I have added, “Also, I don’t ghost. Pinky promise” for extra credibility? Let’s not even get started on the profile pic, there’s just never a cute enough pic for a dating bio if you ask me…I did get something mildly presentable on the 50th try though.
The Swiping Game
The first few matches always feel promising, until they don’t. Here are a few pointers.
1. The Overly Enthusiastic Texter
This one texts you “Good morning, beautiful” at 5 AM before you’ve even had time to ghost them. They send 50 messages before you reply once and if you don’t answer within ten minutes, they follow up with, “Did I do something wrong?” Baby girl, I was sleeping.
2. The Serial Ghoster
This person chats like they’re writing a novel. You start thinking, Wow, maybe this is going somewhere. Then—out of nowhere, they vanish (I am not sure how someone could vanish out of nowhere but hey, you get what I am ranting about)! No explanation, no warning, just radio silence. You begin to wonder if you imagined the whole thing. Maybe they were a government experiment on social behavior or something like that.
3. The Walking Red Flag
Their bio says, “Not looking for drama.” Spoiler: they are. They say their ex was “crazy” and that they “hate liars,” but by day three, you catch them lying about their own age. Also, they “live with their parents” but “only temporarily.”
4. The Mysterious One
Their profile pic is a blurry shadow. Their bio? “Just ask.” You ask, and they respond with vague one-liners. “What do you do for fun?” Stuff. “What’s your job?” It’s complicated. And at the end, you are left thinking that maybe they are a secret agent or just bad at conversation.
5. The One Who’s “Different”
They assure you they’re “not like the others.” They say things like “I hate small talk” but then proceed to send “wyd” at 2 AM. They claim they’re “real” and don’t play games, yet they take three days to respond with “lol.”
The Reality Check
At first, one thinks they were just unlucky that one time with the awkward conversation, people asking for weird stuff and all that, but then quickly realize—this was online dating. It’s a chaotic cocktail of weird bios, awkward conversations, and people who suddenly forget how to communicate after one semi-decent chat.
Love? I didn’t find it. But here’s what I did learn:
- Some people will genuinely lie about their height for no reason.
- Saying “hey” to “hey” leads nowhere.
- “Let’s vibe” is not a valid conversation starter.
- If someone says “I don’t use social media,” they either live in 1850 or are hiding something.
- Swiping left on red flags is an underrated skill.
Did online dating change my life? Definitely not. Did I learn that emojis are a substitute for actual personality? Yes.
Finding love online is possible (at least according to the happily engaged people who won’t stop telling me about it). But if you’re looking for an experience that’s equal parts comedy and psychological experiment, online dating is where it’s at.
So, if you’re planning on checking out the various online dating platforms, my advice is simple: set your expectations low, keep your sense of humor high, and always, always Google reverse-search their profile picture…never can truly tell where they got that pic from. You’re welcome.
I’m never using dating apps again – there’s no love to be found
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